TRUST 22
When you fall in love with someone intimacy and trust are important issues. But securing the relationship has to do mainly with your `bonds of communication’.The more ways you relate to one another the more you communicate and bond with one another.
Keep in mind that a love relationship is a `three-way street’: Giving, receiving and intimacy. Through Self Love you tap the source to give love. Through Self Love one knows how to receive love from others. If you are lousy at giving and receiving love, it’s almost impossible to reach INTIMACY.
WHAT IS INTIMACY? - Common thought is that intimacy is to engage in sex with another or self. When really Intimacy is the level of intensity of the partners’ BONDS OF COMMUNICATION. Sex is only a part of this communication. Through taking responsibility for one’s actions and trust, we increase the intensity of those Bonds Of Communication.
WHAT ARE BONDS OF COMMUNICATION? - They’re the variety of ways we relate to each other: verbal, sexual, touch, food, listening, smell, taste, music, art, caring, sharing, chores, personal culture, being considerate, respectful behavior, creativity, enjoyment of each others Passions, cleanliness, etc. All are venues of communication. The more ways we communicate the better the relationship; the better the relationship, the deeper the INTIMACY; the deeper the intimacy, the better the love making. This to me is how you maintain a high level of Passion in the relationship no matter how long you’ve been together.
For example: A woman with little self love doesn’t trust her significant other when they leave the house. If the partner is 15 minutes late coming home, or speaks with someone else or can’t be reached immediately, she feels she has grounds not to trust the partner. No matter what the partner does, it doesn’t satisfy her belief that the partner is cheating and doesn’t love her. Her lack of self love stems from her beliefs that another person can not love her or will always betray her. Fear of not having what she wants then leads to insecure behavior. Even having the partner pass a lie detector test would not quell this woman’s insecurity. The doubts are with self and not the partner. The beliefs say the only way to insure this person will not betray me is to control their behavior and environment; when the problem is REALLY with her. Whereas, if she knew and loved herself, she would understand TRUST isn’t what you put in others, but what you put in yourself and your inner Spirit. Meaning, whatever happens in life, I will overcome it - even betrayal. Arguments that cannot be resolved and a break down in the Bonds of Communication lead to less intimacy. No nook nook!
HOW DO I BUILD TRUST? - As I’ve stated, Trust is a state of non-concern. It’s a security that no matter what happens, everything will work out all right. Trust is built through self exploration and self knowledge not in changing the behavior of others. A person that betrays you is one that makes you concerned with their behavior or doings and not imagined behavior. They’ve been indiscrete. `Discretion is the greater part of valor’ addresses this idea to a tee.
WHAT IS DISCRETION? - It’s a form of respect. When a person is discrete you have no knowledge of they’re actions, good or bad when they’re not around. In other words, `Ignorance is bliss’. What they share with you about their life when you are not around is accepted at face value. Why? Because you trust in yourself and inner Spirit and are aware that you’re responsible for how you respond to life, not the object of your affection. When you have Self Love you have Self Control.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT BETRAYAL AND INFIDELITY ARE PAINLESS? - Absolutely not! But it does symbolize a crossroads in your relationship. Hurt feelings are not YOU, and definitely aren’t permanent. Those feelings signal problems in the relationship. Calling for communication in what is and isn’t acceptable between them.
HOW DO YOU RECOVER FROM THIS? - As mentioned previously, lay down as you’re about to sleep, relax your mind and ask for the pain you feel to be released; ask for the proper path to take and the ability to recognize it. Even if you don’t remember your dreams this will work for you. Patience and observation is a key to this working. This will bring relief and healing as you find proper expression for those hurt feelings.
HOW DO I BUILD TRUST ONCE IT’S BEEN BROKEN? - You don’t! First, once you know the betrayal to be true, you must decide whether you are willing to accept this continued behavior and the pain it brings. If not, guidelines need to be agreed upon to prevent similar behavior in the future. The individual with Self Love knows that the next time this occurs, the decision making goes from two to one - that’s YOU! The axioms `Once bitten, twice shy’ and `Once you hurt me, shame on you. Twice you hurt me, shame on me’, puts the responsibility for your life on you; where it belongs, and not on your lover.
Also, when you’ve decided to give the betrayor another chance, the person with Self Love will trust again completely, because when we love we allow the other person to be themself. There is no need to build trust - you can’t. You either have it or you don’t. Otherwise, you have something other than a relationship with `real love’. Knowing where someone is every moment and checking up on them isn’t trust; it’s obsessive behavior that many people think is normal. It isn’t healthy, that’s for sure. If betrayal is a part of the mate’s character it will come to the fore again without you spying or checking up on your lover. It’s up to you to take action at that time.
